The Ron White Blog

First, I missed out on the chance to start a Web site for people to send 140-character messages to one another. And now, someone's beat me to the end of the world.

2011-05-20T04:47:36Z

As I write this, May 21, 2011--or as others call it, The Second Coming of Christ--is just two days off. Now if you expect to be swept up in The Rapture (not a Midnight Movie on The Move Channel), but you're not entirely sure, you should check out www.youvebeenleftbehind.com.

The site was started "for Christians by Christians" and for the benefit of those who wake up on May 22 to discover they woke up on May 22. We're they supposed to be residents of the ultimate pearly gated community by then?

Well... it depends. Which is why Natalie Jones of Surrey, Great Britain (You were thinking Tennessee, right?) started youvebeenleftbehind.com. According to the FAQ at Ms. Jones' site, "Our purpose is to get one last message to the lost, at a time, when they might just be willing to hear it for the first and last time."

Subscribers to the site pay $14.95 to leave behind messages that will be sent to their non-believing loved ones in a last ditch attempt to convince them that God is indeed turning Earth into a big vacant lot. That's if the sudden disappearance of 34.5 percent of the world's population and an unseasonable number of tornadoes, hurricanes, and raining fires didn't give the undeparted an idea that something is up.

"You've Been Left Behind gives you one last opportunity to reach your lost family and friends For Christ. Imagine being in the presence of the Lord and hearing all of heaven rejoice over the salvation of your loved ones. It is our prayer that this site makes it happen," Ms. Jones writes in the FAQ.

The messages will be sent by computer a few days after persons known to be Christians do not reply to the computer's email messages.

In her FAQ, Ms. Jones also asks, and answers, the burning question all religious scholars have pondered:

"Q: With all of the devastation after the Rapture how do you think the emails will be delivered?

"A: I do believe that the Internet will be up and running."

Thank God.

Oh, and speaking of Second Comings--Sit down, Charlie Steen!--have you heard that BYTE magazine is being reincarnated as BYTE.com, the authoritative site for technological information, reviews, help, commentary, and fun and games. Look for it mid-July. If we're all still around.

Is the King Dead Yet?

2010-10-13T04:41:00Z

A few minutes ago, I heard #Larry King interviewing someone while the Chilean miners were being hoisted to the surface. Here's one of King's questions: "You're a neurosurgeon. Is there a neurosurgical effect to all this?"

Larry, do you mean like some of the miners might come out showing the effects of a frontal lobotomy....? Oops! I know we agreed that the rest of us would never discuss frontal lobotomies in front of you again. I should have remembered. After all, it's not like it's brain surgery.

Hummmmmm., yum!

2010-04-27T06:39:00Z

Tonight in the pet snack section at T.J. Max, I found a new doggie treat--chicken wrapped around sticks of fried sweet potato. I know what you're thinking, and you're right! They're mighty good eatin', and your dog doesn't have to know anything about them.

Hey, Hey, Mr. Trash Management Man...

2010-04-27T05:56:00Z

Hi, Trash Management Guy....

I got your notice last week saying you couldn't pick up my recyclables because they contain garbage, but you did not say what the garbage item(s) were. I'm trying to do my best with this new system, but you'll have to admit that the instructions on how to distinguish garbage from something that can be recycled are skimpy.

For example, I have an old camera tripod I'd like to throw away. It's made of metal--aluminum, I think, but then I'm not a metallurgist--and plastic, and needless to say I know less about plastics than what little I know about metals. Now I know some kinds of plastic are recyclable and others aren't. But I don't know what kind of plastic the plastic doodads on the tripod are made of. I'm guessing that the aluminum legs on the tripod can be recycled because I believe aluminum cans can be. (Am I right so far?) But assuming the plastic is not recyclable and the metal parts are, am I supposed to strip the plastic parts off the metal and put them in separate trash cans? Because. really, I don't have the time to disassemble all he junk I need to throw away even if I knew what's recyclable and what's garbage.

I need more detail from you. Could you please write on the bottom of this message what item(s) of garbage you were referring to, and I'll make sure to put them in the garbage container in the future. And if you can give me some guidance with the tripod, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks,

Ron White

Europe Who?

2010-03-03T17:29:00Z

I wonder if perhaps Cnet uses Google for its on-site searching?

He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-heh=....

2009-08-31T17:58:00Z

his is a picture of my grandson, Jack.
The scary thing about this is that it was taken before the Batman movie with The Joker in it came out.
Even scarier is that this pcture wasn't taken during Halloween.

Obama in the Headlights

2009-08-31T06:21:00Z

What ... happened.? Last fall, I was out on the streets, campaigning for Barack Obama like I never have before for a presidential candidate--because I never before had campaigned at all for a presidential candidate. After a Bush regime that threatened to end democracy because the Decider decided he could, Obama was more than the better candidate, he was the person who could bring our freedoms back to the U.S.

So it was a bit disconcerting when Obama did straighten out the gay thing Clinton introduced to the military. It was a real piss-off when Obama didn't shut down Gitmo on the get-go. It was infuriating when Obama started pumping more resources into Afghanistan. But I could somehow live with all that because, you know, Barack might have his reasons. But now, this wimpy, nampy-pamby attitude he's taken about our health care system is ... well, it's from an alternate universe, where the President Obama is not the same President Obama we elected.

The President's lack of leadership is rivaled only by George W. Bush--who, despite a majority opposition in Congress, managed to get things down while he focused his attention of his golf swing and clearing brush. Obama had a ringing victory that could only be seen as a mandate to carry out his policies. And health care was the most far-reaching, overdue policy. Thank goodness he was in a position to make insurance reform through committees and Congress like a farm boy being taken behind the shed for a whuppin’.

But no. He's been giving away parts of health care reform like they were petals on a flower and he was dancing about a May pole. Every time the Republicans whine about the poor insurance companies being unable to compete or how out taxes will pay to kill unborn children, Obama hands them a cookie like he would a blubbering child.

It doesn't matter what concessions the Repubs get, they're still not going to vote for health care and insurance reform. Why? Because they are selfish, ignorant, greedy lackeys of the medical and insurance companies, who stand to lose a bundle if we adopt a health system as efficient, affordable, and, yes, as good as the rest of the world has.

And Obama lets them get away with it? He lets the conservatives stomp all over him like flamenco dancers performing a human sacrifice? Why? Because Obama doesn’t' want to be a scary Negro.

The president could twist the arms of Congress the way Lyndon Johnson did. He could easily make bad guys of the Congress the way Truman did. He could, like FDR, mount the bully pulpit and use his extraordinary speaking skills to rally the same people who joined to support him during the election and to pub a moral whammy on anyone who opposes a system that would save lives and money.

But he doesn't. And the only reason is that taking an aggressive stand -- to act like the "angry black man" talented fools like Rush Limbaugh accuse him of being -- might inflame the fears that smolder in the souls of those folks you see screaming the nonsensical at town hall meetings, Don't be fooled that they are screaming because they oppose changes in health care and how we pay for it. They could care less. They're there because they don't like seeing a black man in the White House. (After all this country didn't build a Black House. It's a White House, goddamit.)

One woman at a town hall was practically sobbing as she burbled, "I want our country back!" Country back? From whom? Who took your country and where do you think they're hiding it? What the woman really wants to say is that she wants to take the country back from the Negroes, and put it back into the hands of decent, god-fearing, hard-working white people who don't wear their pants below their assess and don't listen to music with no discernable melody.

And Obama is fucking letting them get away with it. More thank he wants to achieve the precious goals he campaigned for, Obama doesn't want the first black presidency to be one that causes a race riot--a white race riot. To Obama that is the way his presidency would fail because it carries the possibility that a second black man will not be elected for another 150 years.

Well, Mr. Obama, screw that! What you fear most is more likely to happen if you show you cannot lead. That is the most important job a president has. And if you continue to throw away your powers of leadership in the names of compromise and bipartisanship, race won't matter in future presidencies because you will have taught us all that opportunity for blacks, Hispanics, and other minorities is no longer one of our country's ideals.

With this ring I thee, tee-hee

2009-08-04T21:13:00Z

Now, I'm not saying that if a couple wants to have a Hello Kitty theme for their wedding that they shouldn't be allowed to.
After all, someone let Michael Jackson get married dressed up like a toy soldier, and we all know how well that turned out. All I am saying is that they probably shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.

--Ron White

Trouble is, the wrong people are being targeted for death

2009-07-29T06:09:09Z

How much do you have to want something that you're willing to frighten old people, keep dying children from getting help, and can sit by while thousands of families collapse in financial ruins you could have prevented?

The answer is you have to want something as bad as the Republicans want to get back into power. Because that's exactly what they're doing by spreading rumors that the universal health care plan is really a plot to kill old people because, you know, they're such a drag on the economy--not to mention being bores at parties.

When I first heard this, I couldn't believe it wasn't a joke--something the Democrats would say about Republicans, all in good jest because it's so obviooulsy untrue. But no! The Republicans are actually spreading this lie. And some people are either being taken in by the lie or claiming to believe it to give it more credibility;.

When last night I saw news video of the Republican latest tactic--people shouting down a cabinet member and U.S. senator who were trying to explain the health plan. The idea is to make it seem that there is a grass-roots movement against the health plan. But it's all as phony as a wrestling match between Georgeous George and Ivan the Terrible, These "demonstrations" are organized by the same people who brought you the recent tea parties -- you know, the ones that were about as exciting as a real tea social. And masterminding it all is Dick Armey, whose name really says it all.

This is all not a joke. Because of what these people are doing, real old people are going to die before their time--along with real children, and real young adults, people who either can't afford health insurance or whom the insurance companies refuse to cover because it might cut into profits.

How sick, in the mental sense, and how greedy and how power hungry must some one be to block a plan that would same lives and pull the United States out of third-world status?

I don't know. I can't really imagine what such people are like inside their mouldering souls. I just can't imagine.

-- Ron White

Sometimes, You Can't Fix Crazy

2009-07-29T05:55:00Z

A San Antonio woman this week chopped off her young infant's head. Then she ate his brains along with a toe or two and stabbed herself a few times. She didn't die. i know depression, anxiety, bad hormones, and shoddy nerves can cause all sorts of odd behavior, but what could have been going through this woman's head? I can't imagine. On second thought, I don't want to imagine it.

The Minimalist Error Message

2009-06-26T05:59:00Z

I got this error message recently: The thing is, it's not really any more cryptic than most other error messages.

Gee, How Time Flies when Shit Happens

2009-06-26T03:59:00Z

I can’t complain. But sometimes I still do.– Joe Walsh, Life’s Been Good to Me

When I think about people getting killed all over the world for the simple act of saying the wrong thing while standing in the middle of a street, I’ve got no right to bitch. Still, misery is relative. All those world events are terrible...really terrible.

But I’m in fuckin’ Texas, where the temperature is on a run of 100+ degree highs soaked so heavily in humidity that it feels like 115F. The flowers in our front yard are turning brown from the heat despite by illicit waterings, committed at 1 a.m. in hopes of evading the drought police that enforce restrictions on watering.

My doctors have told me to lose weight, or else. (The Mafia should hire doctors to do their threats. Hearing you’re going to die is always scarier from a doctor than from a goon.) So I’ve been told to lay off pies. Instead, I’m learning to distinguish the subtle differences among Bibb lettuce, romaine, arugula, endive, and some leaves identified only as "Field Greens" or "Miso."

Last week our car caught fire at the exact same time that the carburetor, battery, and a bunch of seals (not the marine animal) expired. Our dog ran into something–cat, bush, furniture– and wound up with a small crater in the center of his cornea that quickly turned into a big crater in the center of his cornea. Surgery cost $1, 750–twice as much as the car repairs.

Our son came for a visit, and the air-conditioning in the house promptly broke down. The part needed to fix the A/C wasn’t in stock and we’ll have to wait until next week. Three fish in our aquarium died. (We had a mass burial at sea–one flush.) I got food poisoning from my favorite restaurant. I lost my wallet in a movie theater. And right now I can feel a migraine coming on.

I thing I’m going to eat a slice of chocolate pie. Followed by a piece of peach pie. A la mode.

Politicians -- Is It Best to Rent, Lease, or Buy Them?

2009-05-15T02:49:00Z

With all the political and economic turmoil of late, I've received a lot of email from people wanting guidance to improving both their political relations and their profits. When it comes to politicians, they want to be smart consumers. The question most often asked is:

Hey, Ron! Which is the rest route to go in seeking to subvert the law to get a better deal on my government contracts, taxes, and regulatory waivers? Should I rent, lease or just outright buy my representative in Congress?"

All types of payments have their place and their advantages, which is why I like to advise using all of them, under the right circumstances.

RENT: Renting a member of Congress is perfect for getting that one-time favor, court ruling, or any other non-recurring event. You pay an amount agreed upon between you and the politician; the politician puts the whammy on whatever threatens your interests, and buries the cash in the azaleas.

LEASE: The proper situation to lease a congressperson is when you need support for a long-term project or when you need to hire several Congress persons. The typical lease runs from six months to two years, during which you'll be expected to make several payments through the laundering process the politician prefers--campaign contribution, library donation, PAC, or free home construction.

BUY: You should buy a politician when the issue is so important that it threatens your growing profits, multi-billion government contracts, even the continued existence of your company. At this level ante up big because the stakes are big. Take the recent vote by the Senate to kill a cap on credit card interest. What percentage of the people who voted for the senators do you think would like to see the cap pass? How about...100 percent?

Thank goodness that senators, instead of voting the desires of their constituents, vote the cash of their contributors. In the interest cap vote, a lot of the senators who chose to preserve the right of credit card companies to charge interest rates that would get a usurer stoned in the old days--a lot of those senators were Democrats. You know, the defenders of the little guy, the sworn enemy of run-away capacious corporations.

It just goes to show that the United States has one of the finest political pay-off systems in the world. Be sure to show your gratitude. And make it out to "Cash"

Don't Call Us... Just Don't!

2009-05-08T08:49:00Z

A great thing about the Internet is how it puts you in contact with people and organizations around the world. Within seconds you can send a message to the CEO of the company that's screwing you around or the tech support people who can get you working again. The only trouble is, they don't want to hear from you.

I've noticed a nasty trend at Web sites to hide postal addresses and email address, phone numbers, and even the real names of people who publish under noms de Web--names like Maxthon Guy. This is particularly true when it comes to tech support.

At a lot of organizations, time spent on a phone is considered a major expense. Solution: Eliminate incoming phone calls.

Web sites have taken that a step further by hiding email addresses. Some will accept email, but only if you send it via a special form on the site that requires you to fill out more information about yourself than you would ever learn about them. Sometimes the sheer length of information they ask before I can email them is so overwhelming, I just forget about it. Which, of course, is exactly what they were hoping I'd do.

After all, business can be so much more profitable if they don't have to spend their valuable time dealing with those pesky customers.

Happily for us, however, they can't get away with it--at least not entirely. The U.S. goverment--the same one that some people like to complain is too big and does too much--comes to the rescue with its Web site Consumer Action Handbook (http://www.consumeraction.gov/corpormain.shtml), which includes a huge listing of companies, their postal addresses, email addresses, and best of all, phone numbers.

If you need more detailed information--such as names and sometimes photos of top executives--do a search at The Consumerist. The site is not exhaustive, but the information is often invaluable when you're really pissed off. It is particularly helpful for some of the worst offenders of consumer satisfaction, such as DirecTV and eBay and PayPal.

For tech support, check out the manufacturers lists at JR and Comp-U-Plus. I'm sure these companies, both retailers, are posting the tech support information, including phone numbers, because they're hoping you call the manufacturers instead of them the next time you have a question or complaint. But who cares about motivations? It's results we want, and these lists give you the ammunition to get results.

For the record you can email me at ron@maxthon.com. or ron@ronwhite.com. My phone number? You got to be kidding.

(A version of this blog entry appears in the Maxthon Blog.)

The Graffittied Man

2009-05-05T22:36:17Z

That last entry--the one about sex and a headache--I really sort of regret because it relies on a cliche. It's true of almost any joke about wives, girl friends, mothers-in-law, and lawyers. And usually they're insincere, sort of "I love my wife, but, oh, you joke." And it reminds me of Ray Bradbury.

At one time I had no author I liked better than Ray Bradbury. Dandelion Wine is still a book of poetic prose that's never been topped, and The Martian Chronicles; and The Illustrated Man are so imaginative and evoke so many emotions that they are eerie. When I was much younger, I wrote Bradbury a note, and he answered , in his own handwriting, giving encouragement and advice to someone wanting to be one-tenth the writer he was.

Then, a while back, I saw Bradbury on some TV talk show. His entire conversation was rife with misogynsm, and Bradbury was laughing mightily at all his own sexist jokes. He was the kind of conservative that would make Sean Hannity proud. I don't think he even realized he was talking like a prick--or if he did, he didn't care. A man I'd admired, whose fingers were golden, had feet of Silly Putty.

The difference between men and women.

2009-05-04T23:06:00Z

You want to know the difference between men and women? It's really very simple, and it all goes back to "Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."

A headache. Jeeze.

So here's the difference. A lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhs

(Sorry. I nodded off there. Really. Didn't sleep well last night. My brain may not be able to stay awake, but my fingers are insomniacs.)

Anyway, so here's the diffference: A woman doesn't want to have sex because she has a headache. A man figures that sex with a headache is better than a headache without sex. Either way, you're going to have t he headache. So you might as will do something fun while you've got it.

Welcome

2009-03-21T01:34:22Z

Welcome to my blog. Please check back soon for new entries.